I think I might be having a mid-life crisis. And I'm not even mid-life yet (I hope). I'll be turning 30 in just a few short weeks and I have never felt such a lack of confidence in myself. Perhaps it's because I finished reading about people who were locked at 17 forever and swathed in immortal beauty. Anyone would feel jealous of that, right?
Or maybe it's really because I'm turning 30, still have not lost the weight I wanted to, need a pedicure, a manicure and a new hairstyle and possibly contacts again. Actually the spa stuff is no problem. Josh gave me a gift certificate to the local dayspa. Check. New clothes? Sure...but who wants all that when they just feel horrible about themselves? NOT ME.
I keep catching reflections of myself in mirrors and cringing. Is that REALLY me in the glass? I barely even recognize the person anymore. I rush past hoping to ignore the vision and then sneak back and cringe in horror. It's like a train wreck I can't get away from.
So, for 30, I'm giving myself a complete makeover. I am going to lose more than the 7pounds I have lost this year. I am going to get a new hair style, some new makeup, that manicure, pedicure and maybe, just maybe some new self confidence.
Oh let's face it. I'll never be able to wear a bikini, no matter how slender I can get again. Stretch marks don't just magically disappear (and let me just say....having a baby that constantly moves and is fairly long ...REALLY leaves some nasty stretch marks!), I'll probably never be flirted with again by guys that look like they just stepped off the pages of an Abercrombie and Fitch magazine...but I CAN feel better about myself. Even at 30. Even at 30. Ugh. I cringe just thinking those numbers.
And maybe it's not so much the fact that I *LOOK* like I'm 30 that bothers me, but the fact that emotionally, mentally and life-wise, I'm not where I thought I would be at 30. I had pictured an entire list of accomplishments to my name at this stage in my life, but I look at it now, and see.....very few of those things that I wanted so badly.
When did turning 30 "happen"?? It seems just yesterday I was turning 19. Life keeps flying by so fast and there is never enough time for those things that I feel are important to me, as my own person.
I'm sure my husband thinks I'm headed for a mental breakdown. He keeps catching me sobbing and bemoaning the coming birthday as though it signals some kind of doomsday for the world. Surely someone else has had this reaction to 30??