The other day someone added me as their friend on Facebook, and for the life of me, I cannot remember who this person is. I wrote to a mutual friend and even asked her for some additional information--which she gave...and I still don't remember the person.
Sometimes I feel as though there is a missing link in my memories. For example, I can tell you my that my best friend's birthday when I was nine or ten, was August
31st. I cannot for the life of me remember a certain special boyfriend's last name. I can tell you when Josh and I shared our first kiss, but I can't tell you when we said I love you or who said it first. I can tell you my reading comprehension ACT score but I when faced with pictures, I can't even tell you for sure if someone was in my high school graduating class.
I know that I absolutely started noticing the memory loss after suffering from PTSD. Special details of Reagan's birth and the weeks and months following, are gone forever. Details of my prior life...gone. It's almost as if my mind decided, ok, this is what I can handle..the rest has got to go. And it's very upsetting.
At what point did *I* lose control of myself? At what point did the chemical bank in my brain decided to take over? Was I ever in control? Are any of us ever in control of what we understand, remember or think?
I'm thankful that God designed me to be able to bear burdens in the most efficient way possible. *I* didn't have to decide to go on auto-pilot or what memories to forfeit. My brain automatically did the job for me when a crisis occurred. I just wish I were like a computer, though, and had some backup system for all the memories I've lost.